Thursday 20 October 2016

The day I lost my memory....

It’s amazing how anyone can adjust to a life long illness. I, back in 2010 was diagnosed with frontal lobe epilepsy.

Epilepsy:  For those of you that don’t know, it is a neurological disorder marked by sudden recurrent episodes of sensory disturbance, loss of consciousness, or convulsions, associated with abnormal electrical activity in the brain.

After fighting a loosing battle with many medications I finally settled on two that gave me the least side effects in 2015, Levetiracetam and Lamotrigine.

At the beginning of this year, I had a massive seizure…typical! Start the year as you mean to go on… On the 3rd March 2016, my life, my families’ life and my boyfriend’s life were to turn upside down. I was on my way to work that morning and somewhere along that tube journey my memory and life disappeared…

Retrograde amnesia: is a loss of memory-access to events that occurred, or information that was learned, before an injury or the onset of a disease. It tends to negatively affect episodic, autobiographical, and declarative memory while usually keeping procedural memory intact with no difficulty for learning new knowledge.

The months to follow where to be the worst. After spending a week in hospital undergoing tests, and being diagnosed with retrograde amnesia I finally had to face the real world. Not knowing where I lived, who I was, who my family and friends are. I was trapped in a life I didn’t know anything about. I felt so alone, so scared and so sad. Guilty for not knowing the people that wanted to help me the most. I couldn’t come to terms with why this had happened to me, I didn’t want to accept it. I wouldn't let my mum or dad hug me because in my mind they were strangers. Life had chewed me up and spat me back out again…

How are you meant to deal with knowing nothing?  Not knowing yourself, who your friends are, where you live, your likes and dislikes... Dealing with impaired speech, a stammer and unable to differentiate and recognise a lot of things. My emotions and character had vanished, I didn't even know where my toilet was in my own house! I had to re-learn and rebuild my life.  The toughest days were meeting loved ones. The looks on their faces when they realise you didn’t know anything about them or special times that you have shared. They are the faces that will scar me forever. 
Going back out into the world and recreating a life at the age of 20 seemed impossible. But day by day with the support of my mum and dad everything gets easier. The first day I truly came to accept what had happened to me was when I felt a sudden impulse to hug my mum for no reason, finally breaking down a barrier.

With everything that is going on for you I just want to say stay strong, a person without adversity or challenges are boring and mediocre. Great people are born from great challenges. – Sam Davis




Seven months on and obviously every day is still a scary one for me and I am constantly reminded of that awful day, whether it be looking back at old photographs or text messages or the accidental slip up of a friend or family member saying ‘remember when…’  But my outlook on life and people has changed. Having gone through possibly the hardest thing ever and coming out the other side has made me cherish every moment of life. 

For those who have been there for me I cannot thank you enough, you have made the darkest of days a lot lighter.

Mum, dad and I on our first holiday together since my memory loss. X
It is the continuous support and positive energy from my friends and family who have been able to stick around that keep me going. Every day to me is a blessing and life can only go up from now. x





6 comments:

  1. Jess you are an amazing and beautiful young lady and we are all so proud of how well you have delt with your illness. I can't imagine how hard it has been for you these last couple of years, but you are such an amazing and strong person. One of my favourite memories of you is when you was a baby and instead of crawling you used to bum shuffle everywhere. You might not remember but there are so many more memories to build with the family and friends. Love you lots your big cousin kirsty xxx

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  2. My Truly Inspirational Beautiful Baby Girl

    I am so happy that you now feel strong enough to share this horrific experience with the rest of the world. Nobody really knows how it feels to loose your whole life... BANG! its gone. That is what happedned to you that day in March. Luckily for me and your dad Bish was with you, and this we have been thankful for every day since....

    Can any parent imagine what it must be like to walk up to your daughter and for her to look back at you blank and ask "who are you? I dont know you!!".... Or even a dad trying to hold his little girls hand only to find she flinches away from him as though she has touched something hot. What about the actual realization of sitting with her in a black cab and realising she is sitting huddled in the corner petrified and having to show her a picture on your phone so she knows that she is safe and is with people who know her and care for her. This is a couple of things that happened to us all within the first hour of this dreadful experience.

    Life is different now of course, you Jess have come so far and are so incredibly strong, brave and determined and although you have had many lows and highs please know your Dad, Brothers and I are so very very proud of you and all of your achievements.

    We hope that this new chapter in your life that you are just about to embark on will be exciting and everything that you could hope for. I know that your are nervous and apprehensive, but know that it will be fine and everybody who matters will be sending you lots and lots of love and best wishes. Never Ever forget Dad and I are always and will always be right by your side.

    Life is full of different experiences - good and bad, this one you and we have overcome and come out the other side.

    On a personal note, I would also like to say a massive, massive Thankyou to Bish (obviously), Evie, Katy, Laurel and Jamie who really have been your rocks!!!! That old saying is definately true...."You learn who your Friends really are in a crisis!!!"

    Love you for ever Baby Girl always know that and remember answer my texts as soon as you receive them. Love Mum xxxx

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  3. Jess mum forwarded me your blog which I have just read. You are an inspiration.From a little girl to the beautiful young lady you have grown into you been so determined and it's this determination that has seen you through this truly awful time. You have so many years ahead of you to make happy memories. So go out into life with that lovely smile and enjoy whatever life throws at you as nothing will be as tough or scary as what you have just been through lots of love Julie h.

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  4. My Princess as stepped into a new chapter of her life, the new Job seems to be exactly what she needed, to see her smiling, happy and coming home full of life, we could not ask of any more you never left us, you just went away for a short period of time, but between us all Life will only get better for you, Love you and we are all looking forward to a new first Christmas together, Dad xxxxxx

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  5. Hi Jessica: Reading your incredible story and messages from your family really touched my heart. What a journey you have experienced and overcome in abundance, you really are an amazing, strong, brave, focused, determined and beautiful spirit. Thank you for sharing your story and inner most private thoughts, you are a complete inspiration :) THANK YOU. Lisa

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  6. xxx What a lovely way to see this new chapter xxx you are a lovely strong family, you are strong enough to handle this and it’s so beautiful to see so much love in what must have been such a difficult time for you all xxx Love Jo (Laurels little crazy friend) xxx

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